Last year, I watched with amusement that often bordered on horror as the prices on eBay went spiraling up and up for the scarce Jones Soda holiday box set. The flavors, an innocent-sounding array consisting of turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes with butter, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and fruitcake, seemed to promise a true taste treat ... until you realized they were being presented in the form of a sugar-free, fat-free carbonated soda.

Unfortunately, due to the aforementioned skyrocketing prices, I never got my hands on a five-pack, and neither did I ever encounter in the flesh someone who had actually partaken of the flavor selection. My mind was left to wander as to the horrors that awaited my palate under the metal screwtops.

This year, the Jones Soda folks appear to have awakened to the demand, and the gift packs are in more abundant supply. On a recent trip to Target, I found an endcap stuffed full of them, and immediately snapped up a few. I've got lots of foodie friends, and these will make nifty gifts. (Note to any of my friends reading this: Act surprised when you open your present.)

Of course, I couldn't let the chance to wrap my lips around these delicacies go by the wayside, so I parked myself, palate-cleansing lemon water handy, for two rounds of tasting ... chilled and room-temperature. Herewith, the results of my gastronomic base-jumping. I've given each flavor a "Horrible Factor" rating from 1-10, with one being actually pretty good and 10 being capable of inducing projectile vomiting merely by its smell.

Brussels Sprout Soda: The color of this soda is reminiscent of something you'd see bubbling out of a beaker on a mad scientist's experiment table in a late-night monster flick. It's really quite unappetizing, giving one the impression that the contents will taste something like compost juice, only with less body. The aroma is that of butter that's been left in the fridge and picked up some other odors, then burnt while melting. As to the flavor ... is "green" a flavor? There's not really anything I can identify as a Brussels sprout note in the taste. It's vaguely buttery, with a pronounced sweetener aftertaste and notes of spinach and cucumber. Sounds like a taste treat, eh? Horrible Factor: 8

Turkey And Gravy Soda: When I was a younger man, I had a job for a short time running one of those trucks that sucks out septic tanks. On occasion, there'd be a bit of a leak from one of the trucks. From the color similarity, that just might be what's in this bottle. There's not really much in the way of an aroma, even when the bottle reaches room temperature and I pour the soda into a glass. If anything, it smells a bit like the cornstarch one might use to thicken a gravy. The flavor, horrifyingly enough, is actually pretty much what's described on the label. I can definitely detect a brown gravy component, with a meaty undertone that makes me wonder if Willy in the bottling plant might be missing a finger. And it's carbonated, with a sweetener aftertaste! I'm glad there are still a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, so I can get this out of my mind before then. Horrible Factor: 7

Cranberry Soda: Now, the Jones Soda folks actually DO make cracking good sodas, and this is one of them. The aroma is very pleasantly cranberry-infused, and the color is exactly what you'd expect. The flavor is crisp and fruity, with that ever-present sweetener aftertaste the only off note. I'd actually drink this. Dang, I was so hoping to find something I could savage about every one of these. Horrible Factor: 2

Wild Herb Stuffing Soda: This is the one that scared me the most when I first read the list of this year's flavors, and my fears proved well-founded. The color is that of lemonade with a bit of swamp mud mixed in. The aroma, too, was citrusy, with a yeasty component ... like beer that's not quite done yet. The flavor brought back a flashback to the first time I tried to eat a durian, an Asian fruit that looks like a spike football and smells like rotting flesh when cut open. That first bite just refused to go down the hatch, and was quickly propelled back out between my teeth by my highly developed sense of self-preservation. The first sip of stuffing did likewise, ending up (barely) in my office wastecan. I got the second one down, but I got the distinct feeling it was meeting up with the other sodas in my stomach and planning something evil. It tasted, well, sort of like stuffing that's been breaded with tarragon and oregano and deep-fried in a vat of rancid lard, then pureed with a touch of buttermilk. Horrible Factor: 9.5. (I wanted to hurl, but didn't.)

Pumpkin Pie Soda: I can't do this. I can't go on. I've suffered enough.

Oh, heck, it's just one more bottle. By this point, after that last bottle, I can honestly say it can't get any worse. For it to get worse, a scaly hand would have to reach out of the bottle, hook out my eyes and use my head to play bocce.

Hey! This stuff isn't too bad! The color is almost identical to my beloved Orange Crush. The aroma is very pumpkiny, with even a note of freshly-baked crust underneath. However, the flavor reminds me of the time I ate a forkful of raw canned pumpkin on a dare. Ah, the lies the nose tells that get the tongue into trouble. Horrible Factor: 7

The Aftermath

I thought the tasting was over, but apparently there's something in these sodas that, when they're combined in the presence of stomach acid, causes them to create belches of such horrifying nature that my dogs are now permanently traumatized and I'm going to have to repaint my office. I simply cannot begin to convey adequately how nasty they are. I'm going to go eat a fistful of mint leaves and see if that helps.

Oh, and if you'd like to try some of these sodas for yourself, or you'd like to make a really great gag gift, you might want to head for eBay. My local Target is out, and my contacts around the country tell me the gift boxes are now almost impossible to find. I guess I lucked out!

Got a question? Comment? Topic you'd like to see covered? Drop me a line, anytime!