Dear Double Take,My fiance and I bought a house together a few months ago. We decided to ask his mother move in and help split the bills.
Everything was going great until a few weeks ago. I have two kids who were out of school for the summer. The mother decided she would take my youngest child to work with her and the oldest stayed at home. That all went great. But now she says the kids are getting on her nerves, and this is really starting to cause a conflict between me and my fiance. He is starting to stay away more so there won't be any fighting. That makes me feel left out of his life. I am hoping that school starting back will calm that down.I am also being told that I don't do enough around the house. I try to do what I can, but the house is clean before I get home from work, she normally has supper fixed and there is nothing for me to do except the little stuff that no one recognizes as housework. She works but gets home around 2 every day and I don't get home until 6.I am starting to get frustrated with the whole thing, but I love my fiance dearly and actually adore his mother. I want to be able to do more and make the kids do more. How do I do this when she won't let us? Is there something I can say to help change things?
ALANA SAYS:Yikes. I'm not sure many of us would agree to live with our significant others' mothers -- I wouldn't, anyway.
But you say you do adore her, so let's try to think of ways to make this arrangement a little more comfortable.
First of all, your kids aren't your fiance's mom's responsibility. It's true that they live in the house, too, and she has to deal with that, but if she's irritated with watching the younger one every day, it's up to you to make another arrangement for that.
Secondly, if she's accusing you of not doing enough around the house, you need to find out what exactly her expectations are. Maybe you can draw up a list of everyday chores and divide them up among the two of you, your older child and your fiance. If you all agree on the list and do your jobs, that might go a long way toward easing the tension.
But if things just don't improve, this living arrangement is going to have to end. Discuss the problems with your future mom-in-law, and hopefully you'll all agree that living with that kind of stress isn't healthy for any of you.
EDDIE SAYS:Whether it's a list of chores or something else, it sounds like you need to call a family meeting and get it figured out.
More than the specifics of who does or doesn't do certain chores, it sounds like there are communication problems. You don't know what more your future mother-in-law wants, your man isn't coming around to help, etc. etc.
That, more than any clutter or scheduling errors, is what you need to fix. At least it sounds like you've got a foundation of fondness to build on. Ask some questions, get some answers, and the tension will start to dissipate.
Dear Double Take,I've been dating a 33-year-old single girl I met at a local bar. I am a 48-year-old single man.She is attractive, fun, bright, very driven at work and has a power broker status with eBay. We spend much time sunning on my deck, grilling and relaxing until late in the evening.Recently, I found out that after leaving my home, she goes out running around to bars. I confronted her about this and she says she doesn't take anyone with her, but that she likes to play pool and drink. (We also have drinks at my home.)Also, I found out that she is buying prescription drugs from another man. Is there any way to change her behavior to settle down? I would like a more meaningful relationship with her.
EDDIE SAYS:Sounds to me like you're already pretty settled down and don't need any help.
Oh, wait ... you want
her to give up la vida loca. You can do what you've done -- show her what you have to offer. But she has to choose if it's worth giving up billiards and bar stools.
You can even make it clear what her options are, and tell her it's one or the other. But if she's not ready to settle, that's her call. She's not what I'd really call young and still exploring, but she's certainly not, well, 48.
While you seem jealous that she's buying drugs from another man, I'd be more worried about the fact that she's getting around federal law at all. Perhaps one day she'll crash and want someone like you, but for now it sounds like she's cueing up some thrills.
ALANA SAYS:Although it sounds like this lady likes what you have to offer, it sounds like relaxing on the deck isn't quite enough excitement for her on a regular basis.
Have the two of you gone out since you started dating? Even "settled-down" people go out to bars now and then; maybe you should ask if you could join her some night. Let her know you can enjoy more than just a quiet evening at home.
But if you're not interested in meeting her halfway in her social preferences, you'll have to just lay it out there, like Eddie said. Tell her what you want, and ask if she's willing to give up her night life.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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