Dear Double Take,Can men and women still be platonic friends after being intimate? If so, what would some of the reasons be?
The reason for my question is that my fiancé's ex-girlfriend calls the house and is rude to me. I sincerely believe my fiancé when he said there's absolutely no intimacy on his mind. They have been friends ever since they broke up five years ago. I trust my fiancé and I know he would never cheat on me, but she is coming here in April and he will be meeting with her.The only problem I have is that she is rude to me when she calls the house. My fiancé said this is "her way." I personally feel there is some type of emotional bond coming from her and that he is feeling quilty about something. He has told her about me, but not that we're engaged, since that happened only recently. I feel like he needs to tell her before she comes to visit that we are engaged. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
ALANA SAYS: To your initial question: I have my doubts that you can really be good friends with someone with whom you've been intimate but are no longer -- just because of all the weirdness and hurt feelings that come with moving on.
But in regards to how to deal with your fiancé's ex: Relax.
First off, she doesn't live nearby, so chances are they're probably not great friends to begin with. They talk once in a while -- so what? So she's not as friendly as she should be on the phone. You're the one who gets to spend your time with your guy, not her. You've already won.
I agree that your fiancé should tell this friend of his that you two are engaged, but that doesn't necessarily have to happen before she gets here -- unless her sole purpose is to visit him, which doesn't seem to be the case.
My guess is that this friendship won't go on forever. Once she gets wrapped up in a life of her own -- marriage, kids, etc. -- you'll probably stop hearing from her.
EDDIE SAYS:Why
wouldn't you be friends with someone you had a relationship with? Presumably, people are having relationships with folks whose company they enjoy, and who they admire and respect. Those qualities don't go away just because two people have a falling out, or realize that they're just not meant to spend their lives together.
As for what's going on here ... if you really trust him, then this shouldn't be a huge deal. So she's a little rude; she didn't call to talk to you. If it's just the case that she doesn't try to make small talk, well, it may be because she knows you're uncomfortable with her. Let him answer the phone, or just lower your expectations of her.
Yes, your fiancé should tell her you're engaged. If he's been actively avoiding telling her, that could tell you something shady about him. But if it's just that they haven't talked and you're upset he hasn't made a special effort, then you need to quit worrying so much about the details of how he does things.
Remember, you can't stop other people from being attracted to someone that you think is a good catch.
Dear Double Take:About a year ago, a girl with whom I have gone to school since middle school began instant messaging me one day out of the blue. We talked the entire night and realized we had much in common. We took our conversation to the phone lines and even had a very intimate discussion. This went on for about two weeks, during which we became closer and closer.She said things to me that made me believe she wanted to have a relationship with me. The problem was she was already going out with my best friend, so I never tried to make a move toward a relationship other than what we had online and on the phone.Suddenly, she started ignoring me. Having done nothing to provoke this behavior, I repeatedly called and instant messaged her but she never answered. When school started again, she acted like nothing had ever happened between us. She would hardly speak to me.Confused, I sent her an e-mail asking why she did this. Her only answer was, "I don't know what to say." I repeatedly instant messaged her asking her why she would not acknowledge what happened and why she was disregarding how we feel for one another. When she finally answered me, she responded that she just wanted to be friends and that the feelings she had for me at the time scared her and she did not know how to deal with them because they were unexpected.There were many signals that she gave which led me to believe she thought of me as more than a friend. I still can't stop thinking about her. What should I do?
EDDIE SAYS:When you're young, one of the most important things you get out of relationships isn't a life partner or a beautiful union that fills your heart. It's experience.
You learn things like:
Just because someone feels one way in a certain situation or at a certain time -- especially when it's not in person -- doesn't mean she'll continue to feel like that when things get more real (read: People are fickle).People don't owe you explanations for their feeligs (especially when they may not really be able to sort them out themselves).When you hound someone who rejects you -- especially someone who was never yours -- it just makes you look like a loser to her and everyone who hears about it (read: You're not really a loser, but you're acting like one).
It sounds like you had some good conversations. You got to work on your romantic language skills. You had a good virtual run, but it wasn't meant to be in the real world. Maybe it will work better with the next girl. Just keep your eyes (and buddy list) open to her.
ALANA SAYS:There's a good possibility this girl did have feelings for you. It's easy and fun to bond with people using non-face-to-face forms of communication.
But like you said, she was dating your best friend. What did you expect? She probably did some soul-searching and decided she liked where she was at -- so she did the "right thing" in that case and cut off ties with you.
But even if that wasn't the case, my friend, you have to learn a little something about playing hard to get.
Now, usually I'm the last one to promote any sort of game-playing, but next time around, stay cool and keep your distance to give the other party a chance to sort things out -- and time to realize you're not just sitting there awaiting her response. You don't have to act uninterested; just give her some space.
Another good rule of thumb: Whenever possible, form a relationship with someone in more than one medium. Online chatting is great, but you need to hang out face-to-face, too. The vibe can be totally different, and that's something you need to know before you get in too deeply.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
Double Take Archive: 
More Archives ... Copyright 2008, Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
The story Staying Friends With An Ex is provided by LifeWhile.
