Dear DoubleTake:
I'm a 21-year-old college student who is leaving home for the first time to go to college in a big city that is three hours away from home. I am currently dating my high school sweetheart, and we've been together for two years. He will not be making the move with me for the time being, but plans to consider it later.
My dilemma is that he recently confessed that he's been feeling a little upset over the fact that he knows that he is in love with me and wants to marry me, but has never experienced anyone else. I really believe that he means what he says, but I am hurting over the fact that his being in love with me and knowing that I'm "the one" aren't enough to keep him from resenting the fact that he's only been with one person.
I've talked about this with several guys and all of them seem to clearly understand where he is coming from. I, however, am just left feeling like I'm not enough.
I know long-distance relationships are virtually pointless, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this situation. We definitely plan to see each other often. I don't want to let him "do his thing," but I also don't want him to resent me in the future. I just feel that if I let him live his life while I'm away, that I won't be able to get over him experiencing other people, should he choose to eventually settle down with me. How am I to handle the fear of moving to a new city and possibly giving up my boyfriend all in one month?
EDDIE SAYS:
You think there's no reason to have a long-distance relationship, and he's not willing to move and tells you that he wants to see other people. Your guy is probably legitimately conflicted, and I bet he does care for you deeply after that much time together.
However, what he's telling you sounds for all the world like letting you -- and himself -- down easily. Of course it's normal for any person -- male or female -- to wonder if their first love was meant to be their last love.
Combining those normal doubts with distance can strain even the most devoted pairing. But it can work, especially if both people are willing to say, "THIS is what's most important to me, this outweighs all the doubts, and I'm going to stick with it." He's not doing that. He's giving you reasons he doesn't think it's a good idea, which means he's unlikely to stick with it.
Chances are this won't be a clean break, since there's doubt. There will be tearful calls, charged meetings when you're back in town, and gut-wrenching moments of doubt.
Fortunately, there will also be new classes and classmates, a new social life and, I'll bet, new interested parties who will show you that meeting someone new can do a great job of helping you leave someone fondly behind.
ALANA SAYS:
Well, Eddie nailed this one. Asking someone to move with you -- or to remain faithful while you move away -- is a huge commitment. Yet you are not obligated to let him "life his life," so you put it, by dating other girls -- and then promise him that "someday" you'll settle down together. Nobody's that understanding ... nor should they be.
With all of these changes going on, you're going to change a lot, too -- regardless of whether you and your guy decide to give the long-distance thing a go. But changing is a good thing. Doors will be opened to you, and you'll grow as a person. Sure, your boyfriend may fit right into your new life, but there's a very big chance that he won't. He'll just see you changing, making new friends, and feel like you're slipping away.
Rambling aside, now is not the time to force this guy into remaining faithful. Lay it out there for him: If he really feels like he's missing out, he's free to date other people -- but so are you. There are no promises of getting together later, after he's satisfied his craving.
And really, if the breakup is going to happen, this is the perfect time for it. You'll have so many new things to occupy your mind that you won't get bogged down in self-pity.
Dear Double Take,
I have recently started a new job. We all went out as a group and it wound up being me and another department head at the end of the night; we really hit it off. He is 33 and married with two kids, I am 23 and single with no kids. He and his wife have had major problems over the past two years; he is now moving out and they are getting a divorce.
I'm concerned about the situation and how to "do this right." We are both attracted to each other, we have a lot in common, and I have never met someone with such a kind heart and a great personality. I have always said that I would never date a previously married man, especially with two kids. But we have connected on a level that even in my past relationships that were two and three years long never had. I don't know if you can give me advice on this, but I needed so ask a third party who doesn't know either of us.
ALANA SAYS:
I think your concern is definitely valid. I'd be concerned if you weren't concerned. The bit that troubles me the most is not that he's been married and has two kids, but that he's 10 years older than you are. That, along with his previous marriage and children, puts him at an entirely different place in his life compared to you.
I'm not at all surprised you connected. He's probably older than most of the men you've dated in the past, and he's had enough experience with relationships to know how to communicate with a woman. And I hate to say it, but your youthfulness is likely a huge attraction for him, especially as he battles his wife (who is probably his age). It's possible he thinks he can "have fun" with someone as young as you are without committing to anything too serious.
However, if this guy has moved out of his house and is actually going to get a divorce -- and isn't just saying that -- there's nothing clearly wrong with dating him. But take it slow; he still has all kinds of issues to work out, and you need time to consider what you want your role to be in his new life.
The fact that you work at the same place should make you all the more cautious to jump into a relationship with this guy. If it doesn't work out, you'll still have to see him every day.
EDDIE SAYS:
You have no idea how thankful it makes me to hear someone actually using caution before starting a relationship, rather than just writing to us and saying, "My life has been ruined for three years. What should I do?"
Caution, as Alana says, should be your watchword. Connection with someone new -- especially someone going through a rough time -- can be very strong. I'd be that you actually did have it with those long relationships in your past, you just tend to forget it after all those years of guck and grime and day-to-dayness that can build up on two people.
But this is a guy who will be dealing with a lot of stress, and likely a lot of conflict in the coming months (if not years). Even if he thinks of you as more than just a sweet young thing and more than just a transitional, ahem, friend, he may not be ready to make a commitment to being there for someone else, even if he thinks he is.
I'm not saying to play games and pretend you don't feel things when taking it slowly, but don't, for example, let him move into your apartment when he moves out of his house.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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